I'm Fine

I thought I was fine about going back to work. I like my job. I love my part time schedule - three days a week is perfect for me. I love the people I work with at my job - both my clients and colleagues. I like doing something for me. So, I'm fine.

My best friend Diane called me today to see if I was concerned about going back to work in one week. Are you feeling okay?, she asked. I'm fine, I assured her. I like to work. I need to work and so, I'm fine.

My mom called today, upset, because she will be overseas when I go back to work next Tuesday, and therefore, unable to call to make sure I am okay. I'll be fine, I told her. Fine. I love my schedule and my job. Griffin will be okay. I'll be fine.

My friend Christine asked me to go to lunch tomorrow to celebrate my last days of leave and cheer me on to work. More concern, but I knew, I'd be fine. I have gone through this twice before, with Aidan and then Brennan. I'm a pro. I'll be fine.

I felt fine as I got dinner ready tonight. Griffin was in his exersaucer chomping on a toy with his shiny new teeth. I was singing along to my ipod as I tossed a salad. I looked over at Griffin and saw his eyes follow me. They followed me to the fridge and back again. They smiled as I sang. They continued to watch me, reassured that I was close to him. And then, just like that, I wasn't fine at all. An ache bubbled up inside of me. Tears welled up in my eyes and I cried. I picked Griffin up and held him close to me. I sang more softly and slow danced with him. My heart broke a little. I guess I am not fine. Not fine at all.