Day One

I snuggled Griffin a little longer this morning, gave him extra kisses and love, but it still did not diminish the guilt I felt at leaving my sweet little baby today. His eyes seemed sad, as if he sensed something was up, but it could just be my projection of maternal guilt.

I cried in the driveway, cried in the car, cried in the bathroom and cried in my office. I also cried while pumping - breast milk mixed with some tears.

I made it through my first meeting of the day. The meeting was supposed to last all of forty five minutes, but went for two hours. It was at one hour, fifty minutes that I remembered I forgot to wear breast pads. I spent the next ten minutes of the meeting sneaking glances at my own chest to ensure that breast milk wasn't leaking all over my shirt. At the first sign the meeting was adjourned, I ran out of the conference room, arms crossed tightly across my chest, seeking the safety of my office and breast pump.

Mid pump and cry fest, I realized I forgot ice packs for my pump cooler. Sigh. Now what? Well, I am storing my breast milk in the fridge for my practice group. How's that for family friendly policies, huh? Let's hope no one mistakes the milk for a refreshing mid-day drink.

I miss my baby. But I know I need to work, both for my sanity and my family's financial survival. This does not make me less sad. This does not make me feel less guilty. I guess it is all part of being a working mom.

P.S. Yes, I do have two other children, but while I love them both dearly, they had no idea that there was anything special or out of the ordinary about today. It was a school day, just like any other school day for most of their lives. The only difference from the last five or six months? I came downstairs all dressed in my professional working clothes instead of my regular morning attire of stained, pilling flannel pjs. Aidan even took a break from watching "HigglyTown Heroes" to comment on how much he "loved" my pearls.