Caution - Discussion of Bodily Functions and/or Fluids Ahead...

There is something about becoming a parent that allows you to discuss bodily functions and/or fluids with relative comfort. My day today has been all about bodily functions and fluids and it is only early afternoon.

This morning I negotiated a truce between Aidan and Brennan as they brawled over the ownership of a rescue hero action figure. (Mind you - we have like fifteen of these same silly action figures - but they both had to have THIS specific one or else!) I negotiated this truce from the comfort of the porcelain throne in my downstairs bathroom. Privacy? Please, not to the mother of three. You better be prepared to conduct your business and settle sibling disputes while your drawers are down.

Later this same morning, I dusted off my trusty ol' breast pump determined to put some milk away for my return to work in one month. As of today, I have NO milk in reserve. NONE. And since Griffin has taken an absolute dislike of any and all formulas, I should really get a pumpin'. I was inspired to begin my pumping program by my amazing friend Danielle who has enough milk in reserve for her nine month old that he may be able to use breast milk as a chaser in college. Yesterday, Danielle managed to pick her husband up from the airport, endure three flight delays, and drive herself to meet a bunch of us girlfriends for brunch while she pumped. WHILE she drove. If there was a La Leche award for breastfeeding super hero of the year, Danielle should totally get it. As it is though, my freezer is empty and the clock is a tickin'. And so I commenced the pumping session. Within two seconds, I am surrounded on both sides by curious eyes. I sit in a chair, pump a pumpin', with Aidan on one side and Brennan on the other. This is the exchange that occurred:

Brennan: "Whacha doin' momma?"

Me: "I'm pumping milk for Baby Griffin."

Aidan: Peers closely at the still empty bottles hanging from my breasts, "Where's the milk?"

Brennan: "I see some! I see some!"

Aidan: "Where?"

Brennan: "There! There it is! Good job momma!"

Aidan: "Hmmm, that's not much though." Looks at me with concern, "Are your boobies still warming up mom?"

Yeah, I gave up with about 1/2 an ounce of milk.

And later, later this morning, Brennan has to go poopies. Brennan likes everyone and anyone in his vicinity to know that he is about to go, is going, and has gone poopies. He will pop a squat wherever he may be and do his thing. This is the exact opposite of his brother Aidan who would disappear for fifteen minutes to go do the deed and then afterwards deny it until the smell became unbearable.

Brennan is still in diapers. I know that I should encourage him to go use the potty once he has announced his intention to go poopies, but I am just too damn tired and well, lazy, to do the follow through on this. I do manage to halfheartedly ask Brennan each time if he would like to try on the "big boy potty", but he always declines.

So, this morning - Brennan announces he has to go poopies as we are all in the playroom. He proceeds to squat and lean on our Fisher Price ramps around garage as he apparently takes care of business. He grunts. He groans. All at full volume. Brennan then starts narrating the progress of the poopy.

Grunt, Groan.. and then "Oooo - it's a hard one Momma. A hard one."

Interested despite himself, Aidan starts to cheer Brennan on with his hard work.

"Keep at it Brennan. You can do it."

I am just trying to keep a straight face. Finally, Brennan straightens, pumps his hands into the air and yells, "AWWLLLL DONE!" Aidan claps. I go get wipes and a clean diaper.

And even later, later, later this morning. Aidan has his own quality time in the bathroom working out his very own poopie. Aidan, however, likes his privacy during the deed. But after it is all finished and complete, I hear a shout, "Brennan, come see my poopies!"

Brennan, in the next room, shouts back, "Okay Aidan."

I hear Brennan running into the bathroom. There is silence. I then hear Brennan, "Wow, that's a big one Aidan."

Aidan: "Thank you Brennan."

Brennan: "You're welcome."

Welcome to crazy. This is my life. And it isn't even over yet for the day.