Finding the Words

"Mom, when do I start kindergarten?" Brennan asks me, wide eyed. A question that he has repeated, almost daily, since the summer began.

"Two weeks!" I reply and then continue, "Are you excited for kindergarten?"

"Yes," but as soon as the "yes" escapes his mouth, he buries his head in his pillow and hides his eyes.

"B? Aren't you excited?" He shakes his head and says something I can't quite make out through the muffles.

"What B?"

"What if I am worried?" Brennan manages to get out from a mouth stuffed into a pillow.

"Worried? Are you worried?" I ask with concern.

Brennan nods his head yes, still avoiding my gaze.

"Why are you worried?"

Brennan sticks his head out for a brief second to reply, "That I don't know stuff. That I don't know how to read."

"But they will teach you how to read and Brennan," but before I can continue he shoves his head back into the pillow.

"I forget things and I mix things up and what will they do to me if I mix things up?" He asks with a muffled, scared, sweet voice.

My heart broke. Brennan is our jokester, our kind hearted boy who brings laughter and fun into each day. He is our snuggler, our lover, but I never knew, I never expected, that he was our worrier too.

It is one of those moments that you hope, you pray, that you say the right thing. That somewhere inside of me, I can find the words to bring him comfort and to keep him from his worries. I want him to see possibility. I want him to see opportunity. I do not want him to spend a day worried about the what-ifs or the I can'ts.

After a few moments, I had Brennan look at me and I reminded him of how proud I was of him. I reminded him of the time last week that his bike had broke. He asked me to fix his bike, but I told him I didn't know how to fix it so we would have to wait for Daddy to get home. He spent a half hour in the garage, by himself, and figured out how to fix that bike. The joy, the delight, the pride in his face when he stormed into the house to tell me he fixed his bike, without any help or guidance, was breathtaking.

I told him that is how I know he will be great in kindergarten, because above all, he is a hard worker. He takes the time and effort to figure something out and work hard until it is complete. And all success in kindergarten or anywhere else requires is hard work.

The memory of that day, the day he fixed his bike, brought a true smile to his face. I think it helped him. But my heart, it is still breaking a bit.