Waving the White Flag of Motherhood

I had to switch my schedule this week and I was at home with the boys today. I was really looking forward to it. I had fantasies of the perfect day we would have together. We would take a walk in the sunshine. We would go to the park. I would push them on the swings. We would cuddle up on the couch. We would giggle and dance.

I have to laugh at myself sometimes. The walk sucked. Brennan complained he was bored the whole time. He dragged his feet and sulked. When we finally got to the playground, he moaned that it wasn't the RIGHT playground. Griffin screamed at me when I pushed him on the swing. Apparently, I wasn't pushing him hard enough, high enough or fast enough. We lasted outside for all of forty minutes before they were begging to return home. Forget soaking up that beautiful sunny fall weather, we must get home immediately and fight over action figures.

I guess it is a good thing we did return home. At home, at least, there are no witnesses to the parade of time outs, tantrums and screaming. Just me. Just me listening to the constant whining, the unending crying and the persistent fighting. Just me cleaning up the bowl of mac n cheese dumped on the floor at lunch. Just me being told by my three year old that I'm "not nice enough," that "I don't play enough" and that "I'm no fun." Just me wiping up the stream of urine left on the bathroom floor. Just me having my child throw something at me in anger. All the mess, all the tears, all the yelling - all just for me.

And that was all before we couldn't find Brennan's blanket before nap time.

I tore apart every inch of this freakin' house and no blanket. My imagined quiet nap time quickly morphed into more hysteria, more screaming and more tears. The dull ache in my head escalated into a full blown pounding.

Aidan got home from school, clearly worn out and cranky. After ten minutes at home, he burst into tears when he realized he had lost a Lego piece to his star wars space ship. His tantrum lasted a half hour. He raged. Griffin joined him just for fun. I wanted to bang my head against the wall.

After breaking up the millionth fight, enduring yet another screaming tantrum, I threw up my hands and quietly told them, "I've had it. I'm done."

I wave a white flag. I need a truce. I need tomorrow to be a better day.

It has to be a better day.