Change

For the last two months of work, Griffin has been at home. We couldn’t get him into daycare until the end of June. While this caused some temporary insanity in trying to find and secure child care for two months, it also made my transition back to work easier. For the month of May, Griffin was loved and snuggled by my best friend Diane’s Mom, Celia. And for the month of June, Griffin was loved and cuddled by my mother in law. These two angels of women probably gave Griffin more love and attention than I could ever, possibly give. And this made me feel better about leaving him to go back to work.

But now things are about to change. Griffin starts daycare next week. For two days a week, he will be cared for in the Infant Room of Aidan and Brennan’s school. I knew I would have a tough time with this, but I didn’t realize how difficult it would be until I took Griffin for a visit to the Infant Room yesterday. I hate this. Just hate this.

Aidan and Brennan did not start daycare until they were old enough to enter the Toddler Programs. They think of daycare as school. They love to go to school. They love circle time and songs, books and arts n’ crafts, games and adventures. They never did the Infant Room. I never had to adjust to leaving an infant at a daycare.

The Infant Room seems more like daycare, rather than school. There is no circle time. Just rows of cribs and bouncy seats. And while I know the women who work in this room will care for Griffin, I am not sure they will love him. And isn’t that really all a baby needs? Love? To be held and cuddled? How can they do this in a group setting? Does every baby really get all the attention they need?

I have so much doubt, too many questions. I have very few answers. And I have a whole lot of guilt over this. Suffocating, overwhelming guilt.