Life

Life feels overwhelming lately. It started with Griffin contracting RSV, bronchitis and a double ear infection. We were at the doctor's everyday last week - just trying to keep the little guy from being admitted to Children's Hospital. He needed help breathing, has been on two different antibiotics, and had to have a shot of drugs to help with his infection. He doesn't feel well and it shows. He wants to be held all day and night by either Chris or me or he screams bloody murder.

Not only do I feel physically exhausted from caring for my sick newborn, but the guilt that he is sick is suffocating. Somehow, I blame myself for his sickness. It has to be my fault.

On Friday, Chris's cousin passed away. He was 26 years old and was a good, kind person. He had spent half his life battling cancer. While his passing meant the physical suffering ended for him, there are no words to express the grief of his family and friends. I do not know how his parents and sister will go on. I do not know where you find the strength to endure the loss of a child. And I can only question a world where a person so young, so kind and so loved, has to endure so much.

We had the wakes this weekend and the funeral today. They were all heartbreaking. Tears flooded my eyes as I watched my husband cry as he carried his cousin's casket to the beautiful sounds of "Saints Go Marching On".

In the midst of all of this, Chris took Maya, our black labrador, to the vet on Saturday for her annual check up. She has been limping a bit the last few weeks, but we had attributed this to arthritis. We were wrong. Our sweet beautiful dog has bone cancer.

Maya was our baby before we had children. We were insane with love for this dog. And now... this. I don't know how I am going to explain it to the boys, especially Aidan - who just adores her.

I am a positive person. I try to always find the good in every situation. And if I can't find the good, I try and at least find the humor. I'm not sure I can do either right now. I'm just not sure.