Balance

On most days of my life as a working mom, I work for balance. The part time gig helps me achieve a somewhat delicate balance tempered with some guilt, a little frustration, and often a bit of stress. But it's balance. I have an intellectually stimulating job I enjoy (most of the time). I get more time with my children on my three day a week schedule than if I worked the slave hours demanded of a full time lawyer. All in all, I feel like my life has achieved a successful compromise that works for me as a person and as a mom.

The balance doesn't work when one part of the compromise pushes back. On Friday, work pushed back into my family time. I had a client with an emergency, a serious holy crap this is going to cost them a ton of money emergency, who needed me on a 10 am conference call with 5 other people. I found out about the mandatory call at 8 am. I had no child care and I was at home with three children. There are clients with whom I can swing the whole "please ignore my kiddies screaming in the background thing" during our work call, but this was not one of those clients. This was a client who could not even know I HAD any children, let alone that I was about to discuss very important things while also caring for said children.

Ten minutes before the call, I turned on a movie for the boys, gave them popcorn and a bag of marshmallows as a bribe, and begged them to stay in the playroom for the next fifteen minutes. The fear in my eyes was enough to get them all to agree with me. I ran and hid in the laundry room for the call.

The call went a little longer than fifteen minutes. After forty-five minutes, I could hear Griffin getting antsy in the playroom. When his bellows for me turned into screaming wails and he discovered my hiding place in the laundry room, I did the only thing I could think of - I hung up the phone as fast as I could. I placated the kids quickly, bribed Griffin with a juice box (grape juice, hello stained carpet!) and ran upstairs to my closet to take part two of the call. After reconnecting, I took a deep breath and calmly told the client that my cell phone had inadvertently dropped the call.

I thought the worst was over when the call ended. I took the kids outside to play and promised to make the morning up to them. When I checked my work email later that day, I got an email requesting that I travel to New York City for meetings on Monday. Then I got a call from one of the higher ups at my firm regarding some issues with another client. I was on my third conference call of the day when Brennan slipped off the slide and wailed in my arms as I held on to the phone with my shoulder and head.

It was insanity. It was beyond stressful. And it made me ready to say fuck it all, I am done.

There are times when you try to please everyone and you end up pleasing no one. This is how I feel when my work-life balance gets out of whack. There is too much need and not enough of me to fill the need - from work or home.

I had a nice old fashioned meltdown later that night. I gave Chris enough of a scare that he told me I was off duty on Saturday - from work and home. He got up with the kids in the morning so I could sleep in (until 8:30 - that's almost the middle of the day in our house!). He took the kids out of the house on a field trip to Home Depot to give me some quiet time at home. He even took the kids out to dinner while I met some girlfriends for too much Italian food and good red wine.

I desperately needed that little break. It convinced me I have the strength to get back into my life and regain some of my hard won balance. And if that doesn't work, I leave for a week long vacation on Tuesday. Balance seems easier with a little sand between your toes.

Keeping It Real

Brennan and I were walking down the hall at his school when a man and a little boy approached. As they got close to us, Brennan waved, smiled brightly and said to me, "Mom, this is my friend Owen!"

I smiled at Owen and said hello to him and his Dad.

We were just about past them in the hall when Brennan continued in his loud preschooler voice, "My friend Owen likes to pee in his pants!"

There is no such thing as a filter to a preschooler. None.

All Good Things

This weekend was everything good. My brothers were home for the weekend. I always look forward to spending time with them and seeing them visit with the boys, but it never feels like we get enough time. This weekend we got the perfect amount of time. Time spent together just hanging out and enjoying each other's company.

We began our festivities with a little doubles tennis - Chris and I versus Travis and Seth. I only wish someone had filmed our match. Seth dove for each ball - often ending up lying across the court battered and bruised. I had never seen anyone with open bleeding sores after a short tennis match. It wasn't enough that Seth dove for every ball. He demanded Travis follow suit and screamed "dive!" at full volume anytime the ball got close to Travis.

It was a miracle Chris or I managed to hit the ball at all considering how hard we were laughing at the antics on the other side of the net. But, oh we hit it. We so hit it. And we cleaned up the court with my competitive, athletic brothers. I see many a rematch in our future.

After tennis, Seth and Travis spent most of the day at our house. We didn't do much of anything really, but relax and play much wii. Our cousin Liam joined us and it felt like a little party all day long. Seth and Travis left for all of an hour to come back for dinner, Buffalo style: pizza, chicken wings and chicken finger subs. The amount of food consumed was awe inspiring.

The next day, Easter began nice and early with the boys clamoring to head downstairs and begin the basket hunt. The big basket filler this year was Legos. Legos, legos and more legos. The boys immediately set to work, building to their hearts' content with Chris's patient assistance. (I suck at following lego building instructions so not a soul asked me for any help.)

My brothers and Grandma Jo Jo stopped over for Easter breakfast. We started the fun with an Easter egg hunt with eggs cleverly hidden outside in the quite chilly morning air by Seth, Trav and Liam. The boys loved the hunt and loved the candy in the eggs even more.

It was a perfect weekend, full of family and relaxing fun. I had tears in my eyes when I said goodbye to the NYC crew as they headed back to real life, but I was grateful for a weekend full of all good things with people I love.

Paralyzed

We leave for Florida in a week and a half. We are all counting down the days, excited for our time at the beach. But beneath that excitement, I am a little stressed. I have so much to do before we go. So much to do, in fact, that I am spending too much time paralyzed by indecision as to what I actually should be doing in order to get some things done. (How's that for my special brand of crazy, huh?)

This weekend is full of holiday gatherings and time with family. I host both Easter brunch with my family and Easter dinner with Chris's family. On Monday, I will watch three of my friends' children as part of our school break co-op. I have work to do, crazy busy full of stressful mean clients, work to do during the week. Next weekend is turning into a logistical nightmare of balancing family schedules.

I have to pack. For me and three children. I need to pack carry ons that contain fun, engaged activities for the kids. And I am pretty sure I need to squeeze in a shopping trip since Aidan owns no summer clothes that actually fit him. (But yet, I forget this every time I shop and instead keep buying oh, so cute, oh so adorable baby boy clothes for Griffin. Griffin who owns more clothes than any little boy really should.)

So. I am stressed. It's silly stress. All good stuff. But it's the sort of stress that keeps to do lists running constantly in my head, and convinces me to waste precious minutes playing around on facebook rather than baking for our easter festivities. I am officially paralyzed by my to-do list.

The beach will be free of to do lists. The beach will mean nothing but sun, the kids digging in endless sand and lots of quality family time. If I can only get myself through my temporary paralysis of panic, the beach will be here before we know it.

Independence

On Saturday night, we attended a party to celebrate my Aunt Nancy's 50th birthday. It was the normal chaotic scene of any family function. Their house was bursting at the seams with family and friends with kids running every which way.

Aidan and Brennan scattered immediately upon shedding their coats. They joined the gang of kids playing basketball in the foyer or ping pong and rock band in the basement. They checked in with me every now and again, but for the most part they were off on their own.

I expected Griffin to stick close to me. He is two. The house was loud and many of the people unfamiliar. At two, Aidan and Brennan would have clung to my legs or that of a willing cousin for most of the festivities.

But, Griffin always manages to surprise me. I lost sight of him after a few minutes. I found him ten minutes later in the living room. He was sitting on a couch, holding a bottle of water and swaying back and forth to the music as random people jammed on a piano and two guitars. He was content to listen and just hang out. Griffin's head would bob back and forth with the beat of whatever song was playing and he would clap at the end of the song. He knew not one of the people in that room, but he couldn't have cared less.

I saw peeks of him throughout the night. He checked in with me every so often, but not any more than his older brothers. I saw him grab a plate from the buffet and help himself to some fruit. I saw him play basketball and chat with friends of my family. He strutted through the house as if he owned it. If he needed anything, he grabbed whatever person was closest and asked for help.

He was confident and oh, so independent. I am not convinced this fearless toddler was ever a baby.

A Date Day

Chris's parents asked us if they could take the kids out to lunch and shopping today. The thought of just us, alone in the house, on a random weekend day was almost overwhelming. You seriously do not know how to appreciate the quiet of an empty house until after you have children. Silence is beautiful. Truly.

I dragged Chris out to play tennis. We enjoyed some quiet time at home. We even managed to get out for a quiet lunch. It was a lovely day. After we returned home from lunch, we walked into the empty house and I said, "Do you hear that? Do you?"

Chris gave me a strange look and said, "Hear what?"

I smiled and replied, "Nothing. Absolutely nothing."

Ah, the lure of a quiet house. It's a simple pleasure.